An Ambiguous Distinction Between Right And Wrong
by just-not-today
Summary: A tale of realization, acceptance and two friends moral battles against what their heads know is wrong but what their hearts truly desires. Rated M for smut in certain chapters.
1. Prologue

**WRITERS NOTES: **Chapters will often directly link into existing scenes from the show, in this case it's pulled exactly from the episode on January 13th 2015. In later chapters they will directly link into the next to give you an idea of the timeframe the chapters take place as they're not always in linear order. Chapter 2 for example takes place towards the end of January and leads into Chapter 3 which will take place the following year.

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

Things had gone from bad to worse for Ben Mitchell in less than a few days. Not only was his cousin in a coma and not only was his father banged up for supposedly putting her there but now Max Branning has just conned him out of his old man's pride and joy – the Arches had always been important Phil perhaps more important than Ben himself!

But in that moment Ben felt safe. His best friend's hand ran up and down his back in a soothing motion that not only calms him but also makes him feel protected. He also feels cared for, feels important maybe even wanted.

Jay was the only one who had always been there for him and even after what happened with Heather, he was still there, he still had his back. Jay Brown was more like a brother than a friend – in fact he was a Mitchell by name these days and that was good enough for them.

Blood isn't always thicker than water.

But then they weren't blood and Ben knew that. He looks into Jay's caring eyes and then to the arm that rests across his shoulders. Another kind of emotion begins to overcome him and Ben leans in and parts his lips causing Jay to lurch back in shock.

Jay just stares at Ben in a daze for a few moments unable to properly react. Had Ben really just tried to do what he think he was trying to do. For a moment he didn't know quite what to think.

"Jay?" Ben whimpers and reaches out to grab Jay's leg.

But now Jay knew what to say. "Sort - your - head out!" Jay exclaims with a firm and wagging finger before jumping to his feet and walking towards the door.

"Jay!" Ben calls out following Jay's path toward the door. "Jay!" He shouts realising the gravity of the situation. In typical Mitchell fashion his anger gets the better of him and Ben kicks out at a dining room chair causing it to clatter against the wooden floor with a crash before throwing his head in his hands.

Ben was so frustrated, so confused. Even now Ben couldn't read the signs. Was Jay really angry?


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

Abi had just left following Ben's admission that Max had made him sign over the Arches – not quite what Jay meant when he said that she deserved to know.

"You should have told her!" Jay proclaims as Ben re-enters the room having seen Abi out. Jay spat his words through his teeth. He was upset with Ben as what he was putting Abi through wasn't fair. Despite their split, Jay stills cares about Abi and he wasn't happy sitting back and seeing Ben lie to her like that.

But Ben wasn't being honest with himself let alone her. "I can't." Ben mutters. "Not yet."

"But you can't keep doing this to her, Ben. It's not fair!" Jay protests, clicking open a can of cheap beer he had just purchased from the Minute Mart. It was supposed to be a peace offering of sorts. He felt bad about how he had reacted earlier as he knows what Ben is going through is tough.

"I know." Ben replies, sitting down at the dining table next to him.

"I stood back while you chased after flipping Johnny Carter, Ben, I should have told her about that but I didn't! That's not fair on me either Ben!" Jay pleads trying to make Ben see sense.

"I know, Jay!" Ben whines, pressing his fingers against his temples as if to somehow relax his frustrations. He knew what Jay was saying was true but it didn't mean he had to like it.

"How do you think that makes me feel? You're putting me in an awful position. I broke up with her because I didn't love her, not like I wanted to. And then you go string her along some more! Just because neither of us like her in that way doesn't mean we have to treat her like crap. She deserves better than that." Jay continues, as if completely disregarding Ben's admission.

"Jay, I know, alright!? I know I'm a shitty person but could you just give me a break!" Ben cries, throwing his head into his hands. "This isn't easy for me, alright? I don't want to hurt Abi. She's my friend. Or at least she was!" Ben whimpers, fighting back the tears. He swigs back a mouthful of the beer Jay had opened before taking a deep breath.

"You know how hard this has been for me. Prison wasn't easy and coming home was perhaps even harder. All I ever wanted to do was make my Dad proud!" Ben relents. It almost felt good to finally just admit that. He thinks everyone knows that anyway but to verbalise it like that for the first time, to the first person that wasn't a shrink at least, it felt good.

Jay jumps up and stands behind Ben massaging his shoulder comfortingly.

"I know that. And you're not a shitty person. You're just human like the rest of us!" Jay tells him gently, pressing his fingers into Ben's back and shoulders.

Ben tilts his head back to look up at Jay. "How do you do it?" Ben asks.

"Well, for starters, I've got you." Jay replies charmingly rubbing the sides of Ben's face.

"And that's enough?" Ben queries resting his hands on Jay's arms, looking up into his dark blue eyes.

"Of course it's enough!" Jay exclaims, leaning down and delicately placing a kiss on Ben's forehead. "You mean more to me then maybe you'll ever know!"


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

"Jay!" Ben shouts as he slams the front door shut. Peering into the kitchen the house seems completely empty, there wasn't a person in sight. Sharon had said she was going to visit his Dad in prison earlier today but he just hoped that she wouldn't open her big gob about what Max had done – if anyone was going to tell Phil the truth, he wanted it to come from him. "Jay, are you in?" Ben calls, glancing down at his watch. On second thoughts, Sharon would probably be at the Albert.

"I'm up here!" Jays hollers back from upstairs.

Ben grins as he slips off his coat, throws it on the banister and skips upstairs. "You're never gonna guess what Ian has got me wearing at the wedding!?" Ben exclaims, diving into Jay's bedroom.

"Not a tutu surely?" Jay jokingly replies as Ben prances into the room.

Ben blushes as he sees Jay standing in front of the mirror in nothing but a towel that is wrapped tightly round his waist. "Oh sorry." Ben mumbles as he turns back towards the door.

"Don't be so wet!" Jay scoffs, preening his hair. "Nothing you ain't seen before you muppet."

Ben sheepishly turns back, skulking back into the room. "Just thought that..." Ben mutters.

"You thought what? That I'd gone all queer!?" Jay jokes as puts the finishing touches to his hair.

Ben suddenly feels all shy and perches on Jay's bed, watching as he delicately runs his fingers through his fringe. "Nah, I just didn't want to assume." He said shrugging his shoulders.

"Come on you soft nut!" Jay jeers, turning to face him. "Don't think I ain't spotted you peeking anyway." He adds sauntering towards Ben.

"I ain't!" Ben exclaims as he chuckles.

"You only have to ask!" Jay announces, swiftly opening his towel and flashing himself as he moves closer to the giddy teenager sitting on his bed. "I know what you want." Jay boasts as he shakes his hips and struts his stuff causing his long, reasonably skinny yet flaccid member to shake from side to side between his legs.

"Fuck off!" Ben exclaims pushing Jay away.

Jay grabs Ben's arm and pulls him up from off the bed, the towel falling to the ground.

Ben laughs as Jay pulls up against his naked body. He wraps his arm around Jay's sleight frame and runs his hand down his back.

Jay presses his hands either side of Ben's face and caresses one of the boys cheeks with his thumb before pulling his head towards him, opening his mouth and enveloping Ben's pursed lips slipping his tongue inside his lovers mouth.

Ben tingles as Jay's tongue enters his mouth and wraps itself around his. He runs his hands up and down his back and their steamy passion overcomes them both. Ben gently squeezes Jay's perky bum causing the skinnier boy to flinch.

Jay pulls away with a grin across his face. "Alright cheeky!" Jay laughs before lightly kissing him on the lips and stepping away. As he crouches down he meets the sight of Ben's bulging crutch. Jay smirks and looks up, "Settle down you soft prick, it was just a kiss!"

Ben presses his tongue into the side of his mouth as he smiles to himself.

"I'm serious!" Jay announces as he stands back up with his towel in hand. "Save yourself for another time." He adds, grabbing his cock in his hand and shaking it in Ben's direction.

"Leave off, mate." Ben tuts, strolls over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of boxers before chucking them in Jay's direction.

Jay scoffs and then catches the boxers in his hands. "So what's this outfit Ian's got you wearing then?" Jay asks, slipping into his tight, nylon boxer shorts that outlines his rather well endowed penis.

"A fucking kilt!" Ben responds much to Jay's amusement. "You think it's funny? Apparently it's bloody Beale tartan and Ian wants the whole groom's party to wear one!" He adds, not that he's too bothered to see Peter wearing one not that he'd admit that – certainly not to Jay. He thought his nephew's legs looked fantastic. It was weird he knew, to check out your own flesh and blood like that but he couldn't help but look at that beautiful hunk of a man. That being said, they were the same age and even though they were technically blood related, he's not sure he could ever resist if Peter ever came on to him.

"That's something I'd pay to see!" Jay quips, squeezing his leg into a pair of black skinny jeans. "But then I doubt it's the first time you've worn a dress."

"Fuck off!" Ben groans, shoving Jay playfully. "It's not a dress alright?" He adds, throwing himself face down onto Jay's bed. He likes lying on Jay's bed, it smells like him. Sometimes he finds himself imagining that they could be proper a couple and that he could lie on THEIR bed. In their bed!

Jay pulls on a t-shirt and grabs his mobile off the dresser. "What you doing tonight anyway?" Jay asks.

Ben just groans into the pillow. He then turns over and lets out a deep sigh. "Not a clue. Can't exactly show myself in the Vic right now, not with Max out there lording it over me! What about you?"

"Going over to Lola and Billy's to watch a movie. I would invite you but you know, wouldn't go down to well with Lola I wouldn't imagine!" Jay replies.

"She still not over the whole Lexi thing yet? How long have I been back now? Six months?" Ben asks, wishing he could just cuddle up on the sofa with them, stealing kisses and fumbling around when Lola wasn't looking.

"You know how insecure she is but she'll get over it eventually!" Jay assures him, while busy texting away on his phone. Once finished he looks up and flashes Ben a smile. "And don't worry about Max, he'll get bored in a week or two and things will go back to normal."

"I hope so" Ben replies, sitting up against the wall that Jay's bed is pressed against.

"Don't sweat it, it'll all blow over in no time." Jay states while grabbing a hoddie off the back of the door. "I better go, see ya later yeah?"

"Yeah laters."

The door to Jay's room shuts behind him and Ben exhales. As he gets up from the bed and pair of boxer shorts slip out from under Jay's duvet and onto the floor. Ben eyes them before grasping a hold of them and lustfully pressing them against his nose. A smile forms on his face as he engulfs the scent of Jay's sweaty nether regions.

Ben then unfolds them and sees a large spread of dried semen imbedded into the fabric of the inside of the underwear. He runs his index finger along the stain and it crisps off under his nail. Ben was full of desire. Desire for Jay and desire he couldn't contain.

The romantic relationship between Ben and Jay had developed since he left prison but the pair had only slept together on one occasion a few weeks before Lucy Beale's murder.

Jay struggled to deal with this rendezvous but when he left Abi, Ben held out hope that it was because Jay wanted him instead. At first Jay denied it but it was clear to both of them that the reason he broke Abi's heart was because the truth would break it even more.

After Ben returned to the Square, Jay began to come to terms with his feelings towards the person only a year ago he not only saw simply as his brother but as the cause of further turbulence in his life. Jay couldn't deny his feelings and had to end his relationship with Abi.

For a while Jay knocked Ben back that led Ben to deny his own sexuality himself but also to turn to both Abi and Johnny Carter for attention. But as more time went by, Jay became more comfortable expressing himself and struggled to contain his afflictions.

However as long as Ben was with Abi, Jay continues to restrain himself.

For the most part anyway!

Ben however, longed for Jay to hold him again. He desired to feel the warmth of Jay inside of him just like that stormy night in that dingy hostel in Croydon...


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

As the rain lashes down on the busy streets and the thunder rumbles in the distance, Ben sat in the bay window staring longingly out at the hustle and bustle of life outside. Prison had been tough but perhaps being free yet isolated from those you know and love is tougher.

Determined to sort his life out and put his troubled past behind him, Ben set out on his own after his release and had been ducking and diving around London checking in and out of whatever hostel would take him for nearly six weeks now. He remained in contact with person only – Jay.

Like a true brother Jay had stuck by him despite what he had put him through with Heather. Jay had been bringing him food, beer and most importantly money every week at about the same time, on the same day without out fail. But on this occasion Jay was late.

Ben had already started drinking without out him, sipping the finest value beer that the off license on the corner had to offer. He took the last slurp from the can grasped in his sweaty palms and then crushes it one strong squeeze. He glances at his watch and then at his mobile.

He swipes his fingers across the screen and opens up a new text message:

"Hey dude! Just wondering where you've got to? It's almost 9?"

Then he selects the 'send to' option before selecting Jay's name and then waits as the message sends.

From the other side of the hostel room door, he hears the familiar sound of an iPhone text alert. Turning his head to the door Ben waits for a moment before tiptoeing towards the door.

As he reaches out to grab the door handle, there is double knock against the door.

Ben thrusts the door open catching Jay, who is standing on the other side, by surprise.

"Hey!" Jay pipes up, dropping the hand he used to knock at the door by his side. "I'm not late am I?"

"Try nearly half an hour. I was getting worried!" Ben replies, stepping by to allow Jay to enter the room. "Thought you might not be coming."

"You kidding? I'm here every week you doughnut!" Jay jeers, putting the carrier bag carrying a six pack onto the bed. "The bus was obviously running late. Can't say I noticed though!"

"Well you're here now and that's all that matters." Ben responds, closing the door to the bedroom.

"Yeah." Jay says unsurely while taking a quick look around the room.

Both boys then stand in silence for a few moments, neither quite sure of what to say.

"How's"

"You been."

They say in tandem.

"What was that?" Ben questions before perching down on the bed.

"No, you go!" Jay insists.

"Oh, I was just gonna ask how things were back home!" Ben elaborates, pulling a can of beer out of the carrier bag.

"They're good. Sharon's named the new bar."

"What new bar?"

"The one she and Phil are opening!"

"He's bought her fucking bar?

"Yeah and get this, she's calling it The Albert! How unoriginal is that? She might as well have called it The Vic II!"

"He never did anything like that for Shirley. Never did anything like that us for that matter! What does he see in that jumped up bitch anyway?"

"Nah mate, she's alright. How would you know anyway, you've never even met her!?"

"I know a bitch when I see one." Ben scoffs, chucking Jay a can of beer before necking the rest of his. "He'll have forgotten about her by this time next year, you watch."

Jay screws up his face and nods unconvincingly. Ben could be a right judgemental twat at times, particularly for someone who claims not to care. He was always banging on about how much he still hates Phil but deep down, Jay knew Ben still just wanted his father's love and approval.

"What you been up to anyway?" Jay asks before taking a swig of his beer.

"Not much. Just bumming around, trying get some work but you know, not a lot really. What about you?"

"Well to be honest, Abi's doing my nut in. All she seems to do these days is study for those bloody exams. I just wish she'd give me some attention every now and then, you know?"

"I hear ya!"

There was silence again. Even though they had picked up their friendship like nothing had ever happened, every now and then there would be a silence between them. Not the type of silence when they had nothing to say to one another but the kind of silence when neither participant knew quite what to say.

In fact, since his release Ben had barely mentioned Heather, neither had Jay for that matter. But it still felt like there was a lot left unsaid. Ben wanted to put into words how sorry he was for putting Jay in that position but like his father, he was struggling to find the right words these days.

Jay however just wanted to forget. That whole period of time, from Heather's death right through until the end of the trial, was like a never ending nightmare. Still now he'd wake up in sweat, out of breath and occasionally even crying. Heather still haunted him in his sleep but he'd be damned if he was going to allow one stupid mistake to haunt his waking hours for the rest of his life!

Despite this, Jay had stopped blaming Ben. He knew that Ben never intended to hurt her. In fact, part of him blames Phil more – he was the one that forced them both to cover it up.

"So how's Ian?" Ben mutters, reaching for another can of beer. "Onto to wife number 5 yet?"

"He's good from what I hear, engaged to Denise now actually. Can't say I see much of him, tend to get involved with him much, not after the whole incident with Cindy stealing Phil's money last year!" Jay replies waltzing over to the bedroom window.

"He's doesn't hang around though does my brother." Ben replies. He goes to open his mouth again but he can't quite bring himself to say it. Clenching his eyes shut he finally says "I can't forgive myself for what I did to him..."

Jay turns to him, he can tell this is hard for Ben.

"Or to you...to Shirley...to Hev!"

"Let's not talk about that. The past is the past, yeah?" Jay interrupts, rushing to sit down next him. "Just forget about it!"

Jay puts his arm around Ben comfortingly. "Yeah?" He urges, stopping the conversation as much for his own sake than for Ben's.

Ben simply nods, looking down at the can clasped between his sweaty palms.

"Good! Now drink up." Jay orders, taking another large gulp of his beer, "We've got plenty to get through!"


	5. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

At around eleven in the evening, the door to Ben's hostel room swung open and the two East end boys bundle through the door clumsily and in fits of laughter. They are both completely inebriated. So much so that Ben stumbles and falls flat on the bed.

"You should have seen his face!" Jay shouts, trying to hold back the tears caused by his uncontrollable laughter. "I thought he was gonna kill you dude. He was so mad."

Ben turns himself over, trying to regain his composure. "You - you - you should have had my back!" Ben laughs.

"I totally had your back man!" Jay slurs, pushing Ben in the chest so he falls back onto his back on the bed.

"Did not!" Ben replies, jumping to his feet giving Jay a playful nudge.

"I did, swear down!" Jay exclaims, pushing Ben back.

"Nu-uh" Ben teases, lunging towards Jay wrapping his chunky arms around Jay's slim waist and then rugby tackling him against the bed. Jay squirms, hitting Ben on the back as he is pile-drived onto the bed.

Ben clutches Jay's arms and presses his weight against his body holding him down. Jay tries to wiggle downwards to escape Ben's clutches drawing both boys down off the bed and onto the floor.

Jay is now pressed up against the end of the bed while Ben is practically sat on Jay's lap, legs split either side of his torso still clutching at his wrists squeezing them tight.

The young men are now at head height, almost pressed up against each other. Their eye contact causes the laughter and struggling to cease. Jay relaxes his tense arms, almost melting into Ben's gaze.

As Jay's arms loosen, Ben instinctively runs his hands up Jay's arms so that he is cradling his wiry arms at the elbow. A tingly feeling runs through Ben's body as their lingering stare pierces through him. He begins to caress Jay's arms gently, almost waiting for the moment to just end.

But it doesn't end.

Ben can't quite believe what is happening. The sordid fantasises he had long battled about his adoptive brother, fantasies had he try to subdue., appears to be becoming a reality.

Ben slowly cranes his neck, edging his face towards Jay just counting down the seconds til Jay pulls away.

But Jay doesn't pull away.

Ben is a mere inch or two from Jay's lips. He can feel Jay's breath breezing against his face and he can smell the distinct odour of cheap beer and cigarettes on Jay's breath. But he doesn't mind. It's strangely arousing.

Jay's eyes follow as Ben nears him. He nervously inhales and exhales as butterflies run around his stomach and pins and needles form in his hands and feet. He can't tell whether it's the drink talking but his only thoughts are those of Ben passionately kissing him. And he wants to embrace him too. He's almost willing him to!

But Ben doesn't require any encouragement. This moment is like all his Christmas' come at once.

Ben gently pecks Jay on the lips, holding their gaze as he does so. The kiss is tender but brief as Ben pulls back, unsure of what Jay's reaction will be. His lips tremble, he doesn't know what to do. Should he say something?

Jay runs his tongue along his top teeth and a drunken grin forms on his face. This time it's him who edges towards Ben.

The pair meet in the middle and their lips crash together in a passionate kiss. Ben parts Jay's lips as his tongue forces its way into Jay's mouth. As the kiss deepens their saliva mixes in and out of between one another's lips. Jay's hands shake as he runs them up and down Ben's arms as the pair pull each other closer together. Jay then runs them up Ben's spine causing the bulkier boy to tingle.

Ben feels as Jay clasps his tongue around his as if he is begging for more. Both are breathing heavily as the kiss continues longer than either them could have ever have imagined.

Jay feels Ben's hands press against either side of his face, delicately massaging his cheeks with his thumbs. Jay begins to pant as their kiss intensifies. Trying to hold the clinch as long as possible, Jay tries to breath out of the corners of his mouth but unfortunately he can't take any more. He has no choice, he has to pull back and catch a breath.

As Jay pulls away Ben worries, assuming their little game was over. He needed to say it first, he needed to make it clear that this was never his intention, he never instigated this kiss.

"What are we doing?" Ben moans, as he releases Jay's face from his grasp.

"I - I - don't know." Jay answers, completely bewildered by this turn of events.

"I never..." Ben utters before his eyes are drawn to the shape of Jay's erect member squished inside his jeans. Ben's eye widen. Could Jay really be enjoying this? Did he want this to happen as much as he did? "I mean I..."

"Just shut up!" Jay demands as he forces Ben against the ground, positioning himself on top. Jay bites down subtly onto his bottom lip as he melts into Ben's astonished gaze. He was like a deer in headlights - it was almost too cute!

Jay admires Ben's plump lips before intensely embracing him once more.

As quick as he lungs down, Jay bolts back up right and swiftly removes his t-shirt exposing his small but perfectly formed frame.

Ben's mouth literally drops as watches Jay strip off his torso. He feels his cock harden as the sight of Jay's six pack causes his hormones to take over. Ben chucks off his glasses and grabs Jay by the neck pulling him back into a passionate clinch.

The boys wrestle with one another's bodies as their tongues slap against the inside of each others mouth. Ben digs his fingers into Jay's naked back, feeling the smoothness of his body against his finger tips.

Jay slips out of the smootch and begins to kiss and nibble Ben's neck throwing his partner into euphoric state of passion and sexual desire. Ben moans as Jay sucks his neck and gently bites down on his skin.

Ben almost loses all control as Jay forces his hand down Ben's chinos and clutches his throbbing member.

"Oh fuck!" Ben moans, feeling a wave of pleasure wash across his whole body. He grunts and moans as Jay massages the tip of penis with his thumb.

"Are you...you..." Ben struggles to get his words out as waves and waves of uncontrollable pleasure rushes over him. "Do you want this?" He exclaims, forcing the words out of his mouth.

Jay pulls away and sternly stares down at him. "What you mean?" Jay replies, his intoxication slurring his words. "Do you not want this?" He says, stressing the word you.

"I - I - I don't know."


	6. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Ben slumps against the end of the bed and lets out an exasperated sigh. Jay, still bearing his perfectly formed torso, knelt in front of Ben between his spread legs.

"I don't get it!" Ben utters taking off his black rimmed glasses to rub his eyes.

"What don't you get?" Jay exclaims, resting a hand on Ben's leg.

"I don't get why you're doing this!" Ben replies, putting his glasses back on.

"I dunno...I'm not sure. I guess it just feels right!" Jay says as he runs his hand up Ben's leg.

"But you're not gay!" Ben states as he grabs Jay's hand to stop it from moving any further up his leg.

"Gay, straight...whatever! Does it matter?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Because it does..."

"All that matters is how I feel now. And right now, all I wanna do is fuck, your, brains out!" Jay says seductively as he leans in to passionately kiss Ben once more.

Ben allows himself to enter into that euphoric state once more as Jay's tongue forces itself into his mouth, intertwining with his own.

Jay presses his hands against Ben's face before slowly running his fingers down the back of his neck. Jay swiftly runs his hands down Ben's chest and then quickly up his shirt feeling the warmth of Ben's bare chest. From the inside, Jay forces his hands out from Ben's shirt causing the poppers prizing it shut to open revealing Ben's nude torso.

Ben looked into Jay's eyes as he parted from their steamy embrace to admire his chest. Ben felt a little self-conscious as Jay's eyes perversely checked out him out. Ben knew he didn't have the perfect body, not like Jay. His waist was curvy, his stomach wasn't tight and his nipples were a little puffier then Jay's.

Jay didn't care though. This was the body he had secretly fantasised about for years and despite the fact that he had long battled those fantasies, telling himself that those thoughts were wrong, in this moment he didn't care – he loved every inch of the man sitting in front of him.

Ben found himself also checking out his partner. He loved the way Jay's nipples were so perky and he thought the small ginger snail trail from his belly button and down into his underwear was incredibly sexy. He threw himself at Jay's chest and wraps his lips round Jay's nipple, teasing it with his tongue.

Jay threw his head back and groaned as he battles with his belt buckle. Letting the latch go free, he guides Ben to his feet to allow his own trousers to fall to the ground.

Now both stood, Ben took a step back to admire Jay in his tight, hipster, cotton boxer shorts. They grin at one another as Jay grabs Ben by the waist and slowly unbuttons then unzips Ben's chinos.

Ben could feel Jay's breath against his face, he could see the raging hard on that was begging to be released from it's of fabric and elastic.

As Ben kicks off his trousers he guides Jay onto the bed.

Jay sits, almost groaning as he begs for more while Ben kneels down in front of him spreading Jay's legs to allow him to position himself between them.

Ben slowly tugs at the waistband of Jay's tight boxers, prizing them down to his hips. Jay shuffles to allow the boxers to ease off his waist exposing his fully erect penis. Ben tenderly runs his fingers up and down the shaft of Jay's member, allowing the head of the penis to pop out from underneath the foreskin.

He took Jay's balls into his hand and fondled them gently as he moved to kiss his belly, then ran his tongue along his nipples. As he moved his hand from his balls to his cock, he felt it begin to stiffen. He gently wrapped his hand around Jay's dick and slowly began to stroke it to its full seven or eight inches.

Ben hovers his mouth over the glans so Jay can feel the warmth of his breath against the sensitive head of his dick. Ben buries his nose down the left of Jay's shaft, breathing in the sweaty but sweet smell of Jay's cock and balls. It was always Ben's favourite part, the smell of dick, the sweet scent of semen.

Jay felt the warmth of Ben's face eliminate down on his sensitive areas. The light stubble on Ben's face rubs against his inner thigh and could hear the pleasure moaning out of his mouth.

Ben then opened his mouth and slips his lips around the tip of Jay's cock.

Ben starts by licking up the sweet-tasting liquid from the tip of Jay's dick, and then moves to dip into the slit on top. Ben's mouth soon follows with his tongue, his lips puckering and slowly wrapping around the head, filling his mouth with Jay's warmth. He allows his mouth to linger momentarily on just the head, drinking in the precum that was leaking out from the tip and exploring the area softly with his teeth and tongue.

When Ben began moving forward, falling deeper onto his cock, moans began to erupt in soft explosions of pleasure from Jay's mouth. His pulsing veins meeting Ben's lips and the delicious flavours heightening Ben's taste buds leaving him wanting more.

Jay let out a soft "oh" as the warmth of Ben's mouth engulfs the whole length of his penis. Jay didn't see himself as a particularly well endowed man but at about eight inches, it was almost too much for Ben to fit in at once. His body vibrates and he claws the bed sheets as Ben begins bobbing up and down on his member, allowing his shaft to slip in and out of his mouth.

Jay's eyes went blurry as his cock disappears down the back of Ben's extended throat, tickling the boys tonsils with the head of his dick. Jay could feel his body quivering as Ben dugs in nails into his hips – he wanted to cum there and then.

"Stop...wait" Jay begs, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"Is something wrong?" Ben replies, wiping the back of his hand across his lips.

"No, I just..."

Ben nods, getting what he means. He stands up and pulls down his own underwear to reveal his thick, six inch erect penis. Pushing Jay down against the bed, Ben straddles his chest teasing Jay's mouth with the tip of cock.

All Jay could do was kiss it. But he could smell what he was really after.

Ben hovers over Jay's face and spreads his cheeks revealing his tight, pink hole.

Spreading Ben's butt cheeks further with his hands, Jay practically jumps at the chance to stick his tongue deep into Ben's anus.

"Oh fuck!" Ben gasps, feeling Jay almost violently licking inside his ass.

Ben could feel the warm, wet, penetration, and vows to himself not to make another sound, either out of pleasure or pain. But seconds later he fought the urge to moan as Jay's surprisingly expert tongue probes the inside of his hole, making him tingle, and crave more. Ben could feel the deep craving for Jay's tongue to go deeper, and he lost his concentration for a mere second or two, causing him to let out an extensive echoing moan.

Jay fondles Ben's testicles as he pulls back out from Ben's seemingly cavernous ass before running his large tongue around the now slightly more lubricated entrance to Ben's ass. He sucks down on two fingers before gently easing them into Ben's hole. He kisses along Ben's thighs as he begins to slowly slide his fingers in and out.

The moans came so easily now as Ben began gyrating against Jay's fingers. Jay spreads them trying to stretch Ben's anus, preparing for what was about to come.

"Ready?" Jay goads, as he removes his fingers and begins circulating them round Ben's puffy pink hole.

"Oh yeah" Ben replies exasperatedly, as if he was almost out of breath.

Jay pulls out his fingers, slips out from underneath Ben and positions himself behind him at the foot of the bed. Ben glances over his shoulder as Jay spits in his hands and rubs it up and down his throbbing rod.

"Sure?" Jay mutters, running his fingers from Ben's balls up to his back along the crack in his ass.

"Mhm-huh!" Ben groans, nodding and biting down on his bottom lips as he feels the tip of Jay's index finger rub against his begging entrance.

Jay grins a deviously grins before he grabs a firm hold of his rock hard cock and presses the purple flared head into Ben lubricated but still exceptionally tight asshole.

Ben could feel the large head pushing into him, and his muscles clenched tightly, as the pain of being penetrated overcame him

"Fuck," Ben half-moaned, half-whispered.

The shaft pressed farther inside Ben, a full 3 inches, one third in.

Ben felt like he was already being pried apart and he couldn't help but shudder and groan as he felt the hot rod pierce right through him. Ben's moans were reaching a new decibel and he only got louder and louder the deeper Jay travelled inside of him and the wider his magnificent cock was stretching his rectum.

As Jay pushes further in, Ben could feel the hot member inside of him edge closer and closer to his prostate. Ben's own dick stood to attention, dripping in pre-cum.

Eventually Jay's seven to eight inches was touching against Ben's prostate, causing him to scream out.

"Oh fuck!" Ben screams, pulling back the neatly tucked duvet towards him.

Jay then pushes the final inch inside of his friend. With his rock hard cock not bending, Ben's prostate was further compressed inside of him. Jay holds his dick inside Ben for a moment, and moans loudly, a low guttural moan that resonates throughout the room and causes Ben to shudder with pleasure. Jay pulls out and quickly slides it back in.

Jay ran his hands up and down Ben's bare back, caressing Ben's curvy figure. As Jay held himself inside Ben he began to kiss the arch of his back while slowly beginning to thrust in and out on Ben's ass but only by an inch or two remaining pressed against his prostate.

"Oh Jay!" Ben moans and squeezes his palm around his cock, slowly jacking himself off in time to Jay's rhythm.

Sweat glistened on the chest Jay's chest as he continues to fuck Ben even harder, shoving as deep as he could. Beads of sweat were also forming on Ben's back, pooling in the arch of his back. The sweat on Jay's dick was dribbling into Ben's ass crack making it much easier for Jay to pump in and out.

As Jay increases his tempo, Ben began pumping more furiously on dick.

Ben reaches out with his spare arm, wraps it around the back of Jay's head, pulls himself and the pair lock in a passionate clinch. Jay continues to thunder in and out of Ben as the embrace muffles their combined moans.

Almost already holding the weight of Ben's body on his, Jay slides his hands underneath Ben's leg and lifts him off the bed. Stumbling backwards, Jay spins round forcing Ben against a full length mirror.

They both watch as Jay quite ferociously fucks Ben locking eye contact via the mirror.

"Oh fuck...I'm so close!" Jay groans as takes control of Ben's dick in his hand allowing Ben to support himself up against the mirror.

And Ben was ready to cum. His cock tightens, his back arches and a surge of energy runs right through his body. In not one, not two but three slow thrusts and three muffled cries, Ben empties his dick all over the mirror.

When Ben came, it caused his asshole to tighten even more. Jay couldn't take it any more and unleashes load after load of his hot cum into Ben's formerly virgin ass.

As soon as Jay had run empty, it was as if Ben's body began a dead weight. Holding Ben in his arms, Jay stumbles backwards and falls back onto the bed, his dick slipping out of Ben's gaping arsehole. As soon as they crash onto the bed, endless streams of Jay's cum start dribbling out Ben's hole onto Jay's legs and then onto the bed.

"Fuck!" Jay exclaims, trying to catch his breath.

Ben turns his head to feel Jay's lips against his cheeks. "That was amazing!" He utters, rubbing his own cum that had printed onto his skin all across his stomach.

Jay nods lightly in agreement, delicately kissing Ben on the cheek.

"It was fucking fantastic!" He moans exhaling heavily through his nose.

Ben rolls off Jay's body and lies on the bed next to him, nuzzling his head into his armpit kissing the side of his torso tenderly.

"And you were my first." Ben states as he closes his eyes and relaxes into the shape of Jay's side.

As those words dawn on Jay, his eyes widen and he stares dumbstruck at the ceiling.


	7. Chapter 6

**WRITERS NOTE: **So after a SMUT heavy few scenes we take a step back and explore how the characters are feeling about their recent encounter. This next chapter follows Jay while the next will follow Ben so you can see things from both perspectives. However, as always there is still graphic scenes and "bad" language so you have been forewarned!

**CHAPTER SIX**

Those words played on Jay's mind in the last few days.

Neither of them were the most experienced, not in the sexual sense anyway but he couldn't believe in the three years since Ben had come out that he hadn't certified his sexuality with a sexual act with another guy.

For him, he was only just coming to terms with what he actually was, whatever he actually was. But Ben, surely Ben was comfortable with who he was by now?

The last week had not been easy. Jay had spent most of them either locked in his room or throwing himself into his work. Normal stuff really. It was fair to say he had been avoiding Abi, not that she appeared to notice but someone who had noticed his attempts to ignore the issue was Ben. Jay had received endless texts and missed calls from him begging Jay just to acknowledge what had happened.

But he wasn't ready.

He wasn't even sure how to deal with it.

Jay had never suspected he was anything but straight. Sure he could appreciate how another guy could be seen as attractive but he himself had never really had desire to act on those thoughts. Not really. But then Ben was different. Reuniting with him since his release, the pair had become as thick as thieves and it was far to say that Jay had thought about him once or twice. Not in a sexual way, not really but more in romantic way. Regardless of in what way it was, he had worked hard to repress those thoughts and feelings.

He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to be gay, bi or whatever.

Jay had seen how difficult it had been for Ben. Did he really want to choose that life? But was it really something he had any say in? Aren't we all pre-set to feel a certain way, think a certain way, love a certain way.

He wasn't sure. He certainly didn't want to be if he did have any choice in the matter.

What they did, was it just a drunken mistake? Was it teenage curiosity?

"Jay!?" A familiar voice calls out as Jay strolls down Turpin Road in a daze.

Immediately snapping out of his trance, almost happy to have his thought redirected, he turns to see who is jogging towards him and he smiles.

"Alright Lo?" He replies, stopping as the young mother dashes towards him.

"Yeah, you coming to this party later on?" She asks, grabbing him the arm as they continue to walk down the street.

Jay was in two minds. He could go and risk being asked awkward questions that he couldn't answer or he could stay home and avoid everyone. He decided to play dumb, maybe she'd assume he wasn't invited – Abi hadn't been after all.

"What party?" He murmurs, feeling the vibrations of his phone in his pocket against his leg.

"Lauren's 20th. You know, the one I text you about last night?" Lola reiterates, Jay continues to look confused hoping she'd just drop it. "The one at the Albert!?" She adds.

Jay pulls his phone out of his pocket. It was another message from Ben.

It read: "Are you ignoring me? You can't pretend it didn't happen!? Please just call me Jay."

"No sorry, Lo. I think I got it!" Jay lies, swiping his finger across the screen to hide Ben's message.

"No-uh, I definitely did. You replied to it, you muppet, I'm sure of it!" Lola insists, "Here, let me have a look..." She adds reaching to grab Jay's phone from his grasp.

"No!" Jay spits, strengthening his grip and trying to pull it away from Lola's hand. But she'd already made contact and pair struggle before the phone flies out of Jay's hand and smashes against the road, face down.

"Now look what you did!"

Lola sniggers and places her hand over her mouth. "No way, that was all you!"

Jay kneels and picks up his phone. The screen is smashed.

"Oh bloody hell!" Jay curses, putting his hand to his head. "Phil is gonna kill me."

"Don't worry about it. I got a feeling Johnny Carter fixes iPhone screens!" Lola replies. "I think Pete got him to do his last month. Don't think he charges all that much either."

"Good! Cause you're paying." Jay jokes, strolling off away from her.

"Oi! You coming to this party or not?" Lola shouts as Jay walks away.

Jay turns but continues to walk backwards away from Lola. "Nah, think I'll give it a miss. Have fun though!" Jay shouts back, heading straight to the Vic to get his phone repaired.

In all honesty, despite what had happened with Ben, he really wasn't in the mood to pretend he liked half of those people. He got on okay with Peter but other than him and Lola, he didn't have much in common with the rest – least of all Abi's sister Lauren and her friend Lucy.

As he heads towards the Vic he couldn't help but feel like people were looking at him, talking about him. It felt as though he was looking over his shoulder and he had felt like that ever since that night with Ben.

It was just like when Heather died.

The paranoia was unbearable. Everything anyone would say he would somehow misinterpret. He knew deep down no one knew but subconsciously he felt like everyone knew. It was even worse when he was around Phil.

Reaching the Vic he pushes through the double doors and walks up to the bar. Mick Carter stood behind, he was such a physical presence it didn't matter who you were, as soon as you walked into that place the first person you clocked eyes on was the landlord himself.

"Alright Mick!? Is Johnny about? Managed to smash my phone up didn't I?" Jay jests, holding up his mobile for Mick to see.

"You nutter! You hammered or something?" Mick replies, trying to stifle is laughter.

"Nah mate, Lo knocked it out my hand didn't she?"

"She giving you grief?"

"Something like that."

"Well he's up stairs in the khazi, I think. Go on up if you like!"

"Cheers Mick." Jay calls as he pushes through into the back.

Jay sprints up the stairs with his phone in hand but he wasn't quite prepared for what he saw when he reached the top.

Having just come out of the bathroom, Johnny was walking along the landing drying his hair with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

Getting to the top Jay just froze. He hadn't expected to see Johnny in a state of undress.

It was strange. It was as if what happened with Ben had suddenly triggered something with in him. Before last week he'd have taken no issue to seeing another man half dressed but all of sudden he felt as if he was coming over all queer. Just the slight sight of flesh of a vaguely attractive bloke was getting him aroused.

"Sorry Johnny, your Dad said to come up." Jay said trying to redirect his gaze.

"No problem, what can I do for you?" Johnny asks walking past Jay towards his bedroom.

"Lola says you fix iPhone screens." Jay replies, following him but trying not to look.

Johnny enters into his bedroom and sits down at the edge of his bed.

"Yeah, if they're broken!" He jests, holding out his hand.

Following after Johnny, he quite obviously looks away as Johnny sits down. He only caught a glance before quickly looking away but with the way Johnny was sat, he could see straight up his towel.

"You alright?" Johnny asks, still holding his hand out waiting for Jay's phone.

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine!" Jay says while still look in the other direction.

"I need your phone, Jay?" Johnny replies, hoisting up his towel a little further and unbeknownst to him revealing even more.

"Right, of course." Jay utters, turning to him and placing the phone in his outstretched hand. This time he couldn't help but look. Johnny's penis was literally hanging out from the underneath his towel.

It was so long. Far bigger than his was when flaccid, probably the biggest unerect penis he had ever seen.

"Thanks. I'll pay you later!" Jay rambles before quickly exiting the room and rushing down the stairs leaving Johnny perplexed.

Reaching the bottom, Jay took a sigh of relief. He couldn't bare standing there any longer. He didn't know where to look and the thoughts he was having was making the whole experience incredibly uncomfortable.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" Jay exclaims.


	8. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

His rendezvous with Ben played on Jay's mind for weeks afterward. He had been ignoring Ben's calls, distancing himself from Abi and generally become quite introverted as a range of emotions rushed round his head. As he travelled aimlessly on the tube from the far reaches of East London across to the West, Jay stepped out onto the platform at Tottenham Court Road. He had no idea why he chosen to stop here but something deep inside of him was drawing him there; he had a deep resolve to get to the bottom of his feelings once and for all.

As a trudged up the stairs to street level, Jay wondered about heading towards an area of the city he had heard so much about. You don't need to move in those circles to know that Soho is the gay hub of the capital and if he was going to test himself that would be the place to go. Not only that but London was a big city and Soho was far enough away from Walford that no one would recognize him.

The darkness was beginning to creep in as Jay walked past a number of interesting looking venues but so far, all a little too daunting for him! He past one bar with drag queens dancing in the window, and despite his uncertainty about his newfound sexuality, was arguably too camp for his taste. Then he stood outside what appeared to be a reasonably normal looking bar – Freedom.

Jay nodded to the bouncers as he stepped inside to be greeted by an attractive young woman offering to take his coat. "I'm alright, thanks." Jay uttered before walking into the main area of the bar.

Immediately his eyes were drawn to the bar and a certain someone standing behind it. The barman furrowed his brow and Jay promptly turned on his heels and headed for the door.

"Jay!" The barman called out.

Jay stopped sharply in his tracks. He could head straight out of the door now and go straight home but he'd still be none the wiser. Jay turned back slowly to meeting the glittering smile of the barman who was none other than former Walford lothario, Leon Small.

"Hey." Jay said, approaching the bar hesitantly.

"Never had you down as a Soho kind of guy!" Leon replied. "What can I get you?"

"Could say the same about you." Jay said, taking a seat at the bar.

"I'm full of surprises, me." Leon quipped, grabbing a pint glass suggestively.

"Yeah, pint of beer would do great."

"So what brings you here?" Leon said as he pulled a pint of beer.

"I dunno really. Just trying to get my head straight, I guess."

"Ah I see. Little old to be getting curious now though aren't you?"

"Who said I was curious?!" Jay grunted, trying to put on a front.

"You're in a gay bar, Jay. Unless you're already know what you like?" Leon suggested.

"No I...no. I'm just..." Jay stuttered.

"It's alright mate, I get it." Leon reassured him, flashing his winning smile in Jay's direction as he placed the pint of beer in front him. "I tell you what, I get off in an hour. How about we go somewhere quieter for a chat? It's gonna get busy in here soon, won't be able to hear ourselves think!"

Leon's offer took Jay by surprise. Why was he being so nice? Reluctantly, Jay nodded agreeing to go somewhere else after Leon had finished his shift.

Just over an hour later, with 2 pints down and Leon's shift over the pair headed out back onto the street. They walked and talked for almost 20 minutes, catching up and discussing what had happened in both their lives, before arriving outside of an apartment block.

"What we doing here?" Jay asked.

"You wanted to go somewhere quiet." Leon replied.

"No, that's what you suggested. Is this your place?" Jay questioned, looking up at the spectacular modern apartment building which glistened under the moonlight.

"Yeah, thought it was the best place for us to catch up properly." Leon said with a grin.

"What do you mean by that?" Jay replied with a hint of frustration in his voice.

"What do you think I mean?" Leon teased.

"Do you think this is funny?" Jay grumbled as Leon neared him.

"No at all." Leon said, leaving a mere inch or two between them. "In fact, I'm being deadly serious."

With those last two words Leon arched his neck to glide in close to Jay's face before planting a passionate kiss on his lips. Jay was taken aback by Leon's sudden move but he quickly melted into the kiss allowing the taller man to wrap his arms around his skinny waist.

A tent quickly grew in his trousers as he felt Leon's tongue work it's way around his mouth. Leon pulled their bodies close forcing Jay's throbbing members to squeeze between their bodies.

Leon pulled back leaving Jay standing there, eye closed, lips pursed, total in a state of shock.

"Let's go inside." Leon suggested, unlocking the front door and allowing Jay to walk inside.

Jay slinked in holding his hands over his crutch. He was slightly embarrassed but more than anything, he just wanted more.

Leon closed the door and lead Jay inside his ground floor apartment.

"Make yourself comfortable." Leon said, throwing open the double doors to his bedroom.

Jay just stood there trembling like a school boy. He had never done anything like this before. In fact he was used to be in control. With the limited experience he had with Ben and Abi, he was dominant force. But this was something new.

Leon could see his reluctance; he could smell Jay's fear and it was turning him on. Sliding two fingers under the waistband of Jay's trousers, Leon led him to the bed.

"Take them off." Leon ordered, pulling at Jay's jeans.

Jay slowly unbuttoned his jeans and then slides them his legs before stepping out of them and pushing them aside with his foot. His hardened cock pressed up against the elastic holding up his boxer shorts.

Leon helped Jay pull of his t-shirt before taking a step back to admire his scrawny form standing there almost shaking in his boxer shorts. He then knelt down in front of Jay and seductively pulled down his boxer shorts causing Jay's cock to spring up and smack Leon on the end of the nose.

"Not bad." Leon told him, observing the full eight inches of Jay's dick.

"What's not bad?" Jay questioned.

Leon grabs a firm grip round Jay's girth causing Jay's knee to buckle slightly, he also jolted and gasped as he felt Leon's warm hand grip tighter around his rock hard member. "This fine dick you've got." Leon smiled as he slowly but surely pulled back the foreskin to reveal his bright pink head of his penis.

Leon pushed his nose up against his the base of his penis and deeply inhaled as he moved around the testicles breathing in Jay's scent. "I love a guy with sweaty balls." He winked causing Jay to bite down on his front lip.

Leon slowly stroked Jay's hard shaft, stopping only to gently fondle his smooth, shave bag, then returning to his cock. Although doing nothing to make him stop, Jay kept whispering, "no... no... no."

Ignoring his feeble pleas, Leon tightened his grip like a vice and stroked faster. Then he began kissing and licking his smooth, milky-white inner thighs, purposefully avoiding his cock. Jay's head shot back as he felt the hot, wet tongue move its way around his sensitive groin, but never touching his cock.

Breathing heavily now with closed eyes, Jay put his hands on Leon's head, awaiting what he knew would come next. Taking the cue, Leon flicked his tongue over Jay's tight ball bag, then took the entire thing into his mouth, gently sucking his balls as he inhaled the sweet boy aroma. Knowing that this was all new to him, he decided that too much teasing would be a bad thing. With that, Leon took the entire length of Jay's cock into his mouth and began to suck. Jay nearly shot through the roof as he felt the hot, wet mouth engulf his aching cock.

Grabbing his firm, little buns, Leon bobbed up and down on the hard boy rod with a passion, knowing it wouldn't take long. Jay was quivering, on fire as bolts of pleasure roared through his body. Unable to stand it any longer, he gave in.

Jay let out a boyish yelp as his cock exploded in Leon's mouth. Seemingly endless blasts of hot boy batter flew from his cock into his mouth, Leon sucking down every drop as he continued to bob. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to think straight after such a huge blow, Leon let his sweet cock slip from his mouth and stood up. As expected, Jay collapsed against him. Leon had to hold his body in his arms to keep him from falling to the floor.

"I'm sorry." Jay panted.

"It's okay," Leon chuckled, easing Jay's naked body onto the ground.

"No, really, I mean it. I don't usually, you know, I can generally gone on for ages but that was just..."

"Amazing." Leon winked, wiping a bead of Jay's cum for the corner of his mouth before leaning down and embracing Jay in a passionate, steamy kiss. Jay readily accepted it and they intertwined their tongues. The passion and intensity grew as they dined on each other like a gourmet meal, kissing, nibbling, and tonguing.

Leon pulled away with a large grin across his face. Sucking down on his finger, Leon winked before pulling it and holding his index finger up in front Jay's face.

"Now bend over!" Leon laughed.


	9. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

It had been two weeks since Ben had last seen Jay. A whole fortnight had passed since his best friend, the guy he considered family, had taken his anal virginity in a crazy, alcohol fueled fuck fest. And nothing...nothing else at all had played on his mind since.

Ben had remained in the same hostel for as long as humanly possible, hoping, praying that Jay would just decide to turn up out of the blue. Jay had been ignoring his calls, blanking his texts and literally pretending as if Ben didn't exist ever since it had happened. Ben missed his touch, his taste, the smoothness of his skin, the contours of his body, the smell of his freshly washed hair but most of all, he missed his company. That night was amazing but in reality Ben just wanted his brother back! He just felt so alone.

It's not as if he didn't understand. But that it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!

Ben remembered how scared he was when he came out his father. He even remembered how stressed out he became in the days before he broke the truth about his sexuality to Jay. Thinking back now and remembering how cool he was with everything, surely it should have rang some kind of alarm bells?

But then at the time, Jay had shown absolutely no interest in guys at all. Even recently though Jay had never given any kind of indication that he was having doubts about his sexuality. He had always seemed so sure, so...straight.

Ben on the other hand had been dressing in tutus and dancing to Lady Gaga for as long as he could remember. As much as he played the big man, as much as he tried to convince his Dad that he was straight, as much as he tried to convince himself, Ben had always known he was gay.

Back before he came to London his mother and stepfather had encouraged his love for theatre, dance and music. They didn't make him gay, they simply embraced who he was...something he feared his father Phil would never be able to accept.

Ben laid back on the bed and inhaled deeply, clamping his eyes shut trying to block out all the noise. His mind he recreated those scenes so many times. Countless nights he had dreamed of the taste of Jay's cock on his tongue. His prostate quivered every time he imagined Jay's member prodding around inside his ass sending him to euphoric, lustful state. This time Ben lay and remembered as Jay's cock sprang out of his tight boxer shorts and hit him on the nose, a little drip of precum sliding down onto his top lip.

But as much as he tried to drift into another sex filled dream, nothing could block out the thumping at the bedroom door.

On the first knock he bolted up hoping it was Jay. But the constant thumping that followed confirmed to him that it wasn't. He strode over to the door and thrust it open to see a short, fat Eastern European looking man standing on the other side. His twisty mustache folded over his top lip and his unkempt chest hair flowed over the top of his wife-beater.

"Where is my money!?" The man bellowed in a Turkish accent that made the "my" sound more like a "me". "You owe money." He grunted.

"Calm down mate, I'll get your money alright." Ben responded, grimacing at the smell of the short man's body odour.

"I am serious. You owe me three hundred pounds!"

"Don't be ridiculous, it's only been a couple of nights." Ben exclaimed.

"No. Your last payment was short. You owe nearly four hundred pounds!"

"Well is it three or four hundred?" Ben quipped with a cocky smirk.

"Four. You owe four hundred pounds. You pay or you go!"

"Yeah, yeah. You'll get your money!" Ben bemoaned forcing the door and slumping against it. He could hear the man rambling loudly in Turkish on the other side of the door, cursing no doubt he thought.

Maybe it was time to go.

Jay wasn't coming back.

* * *

**WRITERS NOTES: **Thanks for the supportive comments and I do apologise for the long awaited return of this fic, I've been insanely busy! Kept it fairly SMUT free in this chapter but if you'd prefer it more smutty then I can always do that! Or if there is anything in particularly you'd like to see, I'll try and work it into the story.

Building up to Good Friday now which should be within the next few chapters. Before that, we have Ben and Jay's reunion that takes place before Good Friday which will either feature in the next chapter or the one after that.

Keep those fantastic comments going!


	10. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE**

Jay stood at the bar of the Vic taking a large sip out of the bottle of beer in his hand. It's fair to say it had been one hell of a day. Abi emerged from the toilets and walked across the other side of the bar, stroking Jay's back as she moved past.

"It's really not as bad as you think, Jay. It's a good thing!" Abi chirped up while pulling her purse out of her hand bag. She was now trying to comfort him having only hours earlier dropped the bombshell that her university course was not so close home after all. She knew once she had his support, she could make the suggestion that had been weighing on her mind all afternoon.

"I get that you need to do this course but why does it have to be so far away?" Jay bemoaned, taking the last sip of his beer. Part of him thought that perhaps this was a blessing in disguise. Ever since his night with Ben he had been having doubts about his relationship with Abi. It's not as if he didn't still love her, it was just that perhaps he no longer loved her in the same way.

His mind was awash with different emotions and his liaison with Leon hadn't done anything to quash his newfound feelings. What for a number of days he had considered a mistake had since become quite the opposite; perhaps his heart did indeed lie with Ben? While his experimenting in Soho had begun to make him accept that maybe he was also attracted to men and that he did indeed enjoy intercourse with them too, none of the intimacy he had experienced in the last two or three weeks compared to his night with his adopted brother.

"Liverpool has the best veterinary course in the country. I don't just want to be a vet Jay, I want to be a great vet!" Abi responded, raising her hand slightly to get Linda Carter's attention who was positioned at the other end of the bar.

"I know." Jay muttered, rubbing his hands across his face.

Linda spritely approached the pair from across the bar wearing the brightest pink fluffy jumper you had ever seen. "What can you get two?" Linda asked brightly.

"Half a coke for me and another bottle of beer for Jay please!" Abi replied, rummaging in her purse for some change.

"A Peroni isn't it Jay?" Linda asked, grabbing a half pint glass for Abi's soft drink. Jay simply nodded in response. "Coming right up."

"It just feels like you're leaving me." Jay said sadly, extending his hand and offering Abi a fiver which she accepts by taking it from him without as much as a thank you.

"I'm not leaving you, Jay." Abi assured him.

Linda returned with Jay's bottle of beer and placed both that and Abi's coke on the bar, exchanging money with Abi as she does so.

"That's six pound forty." Linda relayed as she inputted it into the till and pulling out the change.

"That's just what it feels like." Jay replied, almost completely ignoring Linda.

"And there's your change." Linda added as her daughter Nancy approached from behind her.

"Mum, can you come up stairs please?" Nancy asked, placing her hands on Linda's shoulder.

Linda turned to face her daughter as she emptied Abi's change into her palm. "Yeah." She replied, following Nancy out back.

The couple took their drinks and headed for the table in the corner of the pub.

"Yeah but it's not like we're splitting up Jay, you're still my boyfriend." Abi reassured him.

Maybe it would be easier if we just ended it here and now, Jay thought. "A boyfriend who can't afford the train and it's what...about five hours on the coach." He groaned as he slumped down into his seat. There was no way he was sitting on a coach for five hours. Even if his developing feelings for Ben weren't an issue, Jay couldn't think of anything worse than travelling the country by bloody MegaBus or National Express.

"Well it's fine cause I've thought of a way." Abi said dismissing Jay's protestations, a grin forming across her face.

Jay sighed and rested his elbows on the back of the bench seat. "Really?" He quipped. Here we go, he thought. "Go on then?"

"Well it's me that needs specialist training for my career but you, you haven't got that much to give up have ya!" Abi smugly suggested.

"Sorry!" Jay queried. Had she really just suggested that his life amounted to nothing but their relationship!

Sure things at home with the Mitchell's weren't always all sunshine and rainbows but Phil had given him a lot over the years - support, a job and roof over his head to name just three. And while he wasn't the most paternal of men, Phil had stood by him and loved him in his own weird way.

The last few years had been tough what with Ben killing Heather Trott, cousin Ronnie snatching Kat Moon's baby and Shirley Carter, the sour faced bag puss, trying to come between Phil and Sharon Rickman but it hadn't been all doom and gloom. And now with his relationship with Ben potentially evolving, how could he just "give it all up"!

"Well come with me?" Abi smiled completely pleased with herself. It's as if she thought it was this ingenious plan that had absolutely no holes.

"Come with ya!? And where am I gonna live, what am I gonna do for work?" Jay questioned. And what was he to do about Ben? He thought. Unbeknownst to Abi or to anyone, Jay was the only person that Ben had in his life. Jay knew full well that without him in his life, Ben would end up straight back inside.

"Well you were the one that said lets run away together, so let's do it!" She encouraged, extending her hand out onto the table.

Jay exhaled deeply shaking his head. What the hell was she thinking! If only she knew...

"I'll think about it!" Jay said exhaustively, taking a large sip from his bottle.

"That's all I ask." Abi responded promptly, smiling sweetly at Jay.

Jay zoned out for a few moments before suddenly jumping to his feet. "I've gotta get out of here. I'll see you later." He mumbled, heading straight for the door.

"Jay!" Abi shrieked, hurt and confused by his sudden bolt for the exit. She was still convinced that her plan was perfect.

"Sorry." Jay muttered as he rushed out of the door and darted down Bridge Street pushing his way through the busy market. It was packing up time but there were still people perusing the market stalls as the stall holders were trying to pack up and go home. Jay knew he needed to get out of Albert Square. He need time to think!

Within a minute or two he was at the Tube Station. But was he to go South or West?

* * *

**WRITERS NOTES: **So another SMUT-less chapter that fills in more of the gaps between Ben's release and Good Friday. This took place in early April and is based on a scene from the episode on April 7th. Good Friday is definitely coming up in a couple of chapters time so look out for that, I'm really excited about getting there as I felt Ben and Jay got royally shafted during the Flashback episode and I think it would be great to fill in the blanks and obviously put my own spin on events that occurred!

As I said in the previous chapters your ideas and suggestions are more than welcome. Would you like more SMUT, less SMUT etc what do you want to see happen, what characters maybe you want me to involve? Anything and everything is welcome just pop it into the comments or send me something directly over Direct Message.


	11. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN**

As Ben sat against that door he realised his life had hit rock bottom. His life had gone to shit on a number of occasions but within the last few years he had always had Jay to fall back on. When Heather died their friendship became strained but it ultimately made it stronger. After he was released from prison, when he decided he couldn't go home, the only person he had to rely on was Jay. And now he had gone screwed it all up!

If only he had been able to resist temptation. If he had just kept it within his trousers maybe Jay would still be here. He may have the memory of that wonderful night but at the end of the day it cost him something a lot more special. He'd rather have Jay by his side as his friend, as his brother than not at all. That night he would exchange in a heartbeat if it meant having Jay back in his life. It had been almost a month and it had been hell!

Ben crawled across the floor and pulled his bag from underneath the bed. Lifting the bag onto the bed it revealed a pair of underwear in its place. Ben picked them up delicately and held them up in front of his face. They were a pair of small, black Calvin Klein boxer shorts. His own underwear were neither that small or that expensive, not to mention the fact that he usually wears briefs and not boxers.

They were Jay's.

As he held them in his hand he noticed the white stains inside. Jay must have used them to wipe himself after they'd had sex. But what were they doing under the bed? Jay didn't leave commando did he? No, he definitely didn't. Ben distinctively remembers him wearing a pair of boxer shorts when he got dressed before leaving. He must have pinched a pair of his pants, not that Ben had noticed. To be fair all his clothes were reasonably new as he left with very little after being released from prison, so it's not unfair to say that Ben didn't even recognize his own pair of boxer shorts! He hadn't really thought about it at the time but the underwear Jay had put on were considerably baggier than he would of expected.

Ben pulled the boxer shorts to his nose. They still smelt of him. The scent of dried cum took him back to that night again. A tent instantly formed in his trousers and he eased himself onto the bed. Running the jizz stained pants over his lips he slowly pushed them into his mouth as if to suck the cum right off of them.

Unbuttoning his jeans he forced his hand down his pants and grabbed a hold of his fully erect penis pulling it out over the waistband of his trousers. Wrapping Jay's boxers round his cock he slowly began to masturbate with them tightly round his member.

Then there was another knock at the door. Just a single knock but enough to stop Ben in his tracks.

He groaned and threw himself back onto the bed in frustration.

"Will you just fuck off!" Ben shouted.

There was no response. No angry Turkish B&amp;B owner shouting and swearing back at him.

A few seconds passed before another knock came.

Ben sat up, tucked his genitals back into his trousers and stop up sprinting over to the door.

"I already told..." Ben grumbled as he pulled open the door to reveal Jay standing on the other side.

"Hi." Jay said meekly. There was a tremor in his voice, he coughed to clear his throat.

"Jay!?" Ben stuttered, almost not believing his eyes.

There was a silence between the pair as they looked deeply into one another's eyes.

"Can I come in?" Jay asked prompting to Ben to step aside allowing him to walk into the bedroom.

Ben closed the door and turned to see Jay launching towards him. Pushing Ben against the door, Jay clasped either side of Ben's face and passionately kissed him. At first Ben was stunned but within a couple of seconds Ben had wrapped his hands around Jay's waist pulling him tighter into the embrace.

They stumbled towards the bed and fell back forcing Ben onto top of Jay as they continued to lustfully make out, their lips pushed up against each other, tongues danced around in one another's mouths causing Ben to groan in pleasure.

Ben pulled away and looked deep into Jay's eyes. "You don't know how much I've wanted this!" Ben moaned breathlessly.

Jay smiled and replied "I think I've got a pretty good idea."

* * *

**WRITER'S NOTES: **Thanks for your lovely comments, particularly Kristian's, it's fair to say you've single-handedly kept this fic alive! I'll try and get some Ronnie in there somewhere, she is my favourite character on the show too so I can't see it being a problem it's just where in the story it will be appropriate. For fans of Johnny Carter, he'll definitely be coming up soon too.

Next up is Good Friday so that will be SMUT free I am afraid, so sorry Guest! But I promise it will be back with a vengeance once I've gotten the next chapter or two out of the way.

As always, let me know what you've enjoyed and what you'd like to see next!


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